Day 15: Doubts

I woke up this morning and had this dream that I was throwing in a game and I was using my left arm. Kind of weird. Maybe it’s telling me something, I have no clue, but I may be onto something. This may be my chance to convert. Who knows, I may never be able to throw with my right arm again, and with a year worth of rehab I have no doubt I could start throwing left. Plus, who’s not looking for Southpaws? Maybe I can turn into some freak like Wagner and break the 100+ mark with my left. LOl. Maybe in another lifetime, but throwing left handed is much more of a reality. Being able to switch from right to left, being just as effective with each, I could make a real hit with Scouts. I’ll keep you to date with that process, but on another note, The wing is feeling pretty well. I’m almost at full extension on my own, and shaving, brushing my teeth, and sleeping are finally not a hassle. I can pretty much do everything with my arm. I still can’t run or anything because if I were to sweat the possibility of infection is still very much there. You definitely don’t want that! I can carry groceries, bookbags, weights, and other medial weighted objects. No curls or anything just some basic B.S. Stretching is still very stressful on the arm and the bruising is still very much visible. It’s weird because the same exact pain that was there before the surgery is still there. I thought surgery was supposed to fix this? Apparently they keep the old tendon there and just use the new tendon as reinforcement. That’s why it takes so long to recover, the new tendon in place has to take over the old ligaments place so that the stress is no longer on the bad ligament, thee stress is withheld by the tendon turned ligament. Plus it takes forever to establish the new tendons blood flow and new job. I catch myself touching the scar and it’s still numb. I can’t feel anything on the skin where the scar is. And for some reason it feels like an accomplishment having this scar, but what am I really getting out of this; A year’s worth of heartache? I was told that if I didn’t get the surgery I would never pitch again, so here I am now in my room thinking I should have rehabbed so I may have been able to play this year. But what happens if rehab didn’t work and now 4 months later I’m getting the surgery and now I’m out for 2 years. I guess it was a sense of urgency because I didn’t want to miss out on 2 years because in the back of my head I didn’t think rehab had a chance. I’m not doubting my ability, just the process. What if this doesn’t work? Is my career over? Will I ever play again? What will I do with my life? And the biggest one, what have I gotten myself into?