February 2008

I actually think, for maybe the 3rd time in 6 nights, I got some decent rest. I went to bed around around 1 and woke up around 10. I felt well rested and was ready to get back to school. I go upstairs and my dad has an omelet ready for me, the funny part is he tries to be Emerald. He’s got this cheese baked ham omelet, the cheese is baked into the egg which makes it taste like theres no cheese lol. So basically I’m eating an egg and ham omelet. After the first bite I’m like I’m not eating this. My dad is probably, other then my moms, the most influential person in my life.

He tries his best to be the best and he exceeds well, but his cooking skills sometimes can’t compare to moms. lol. Anyways The wing feels good, no pain other than when I try to extend. I’m holding cans, I’m picking up little things, though I did try to pick up my bookbag and felt substantial pain in my arm. So of course I dropped it and picked it up with my left. Today was the day I came back to school, riding with my pops and my sister. I couldn’t drive home from the surgery so I didn’t have my car. On the way my dad said something so profound to me it changed my whole demeanor and aspect of what I was trying to do in my life. Although I already knew this was true, none of my family members have ever said this to me. He said, “Everyone is riding on YOUR ARM! It’s not fair to you.”

The pressure has always been there, and I feel as if I play the game not because I love it but because I have to. That’s not the way I like it. I love baseball, I don’t need to get paid to play. I just want to be the best and I strive for that goal. Although I don’t mind the pressure, it seems to get in the way sometimes because I’m always looking for something that is not found but given, and that’s a Major League contract. But in order to be the best, I have to play because I love it and not worry about getting drafted. I need to worry about the effort I put into the sport that I love and have always loved since the day I was born.

People say I came out with a baseball in my hand, which I wouldn’t doubt because the day my arm was strong enough I was throwing one. Basically what I am trying to say is, no matter the pressures and no matter the situation you have to play the game cause you love it, not because you are forced to. I will play this game until my arm falls off, and if I never make it to the Big Leagues I believe I did not try hard enough. I don’t believe in, “I tried my best and it just wasn’t good enough.” If my right arm doesn’t heal, I’ll start throwing with my left. Anyone in love with the game will tell you the same. They eat, sleep, drink baseball. My girlfriend of 3 years has witnessed this over and over. Because she comes 2nd to baseball, our relationship isn’t what it should be at times. But when you love the game the way I love the game, NOTHING comes before baseball.

Back to my dad. I do play this game to give my family the life they dream of, along with me playing for the life I dream of. If I get what I want the family gets what they want. And don’t get me wrong, they don’t want the money, they want their son to accomplish something he said he was going to do for 21 years. I have the best support along with the criticism. Constructive criticism. Just changed the way I looked at baseball, and now it coming down to my final 2 years, I have to make a splash because the name I made for myself back in High school has kind of diminished. When rehab is done and I;m back on the mound, I will restore a lost title and take what’s mine. Other then that the arms been good all day, sitting in a car most of it. Hell day tomorrow as rehab is about to begin. 

While discussing the current situations of Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens with a friend, an interesting question was posed to me. At the time I wasn’t too sure how to answer it, in fact, it took me back and disoriented me like I had just been hit with Mike Tyson left hook straight out of 1985.  I couldn’t believe what I just heard, yet it was so obvious, but I never once considered it.  It wasn’t a complicated question, yet the answer it required was so complex. [click to continue...]

Feb. 9, 2008: Saturday Morning woke up at about 1 in the afternoon. This seems to be the Growing trend in the days after my surgery; staying up, restless off medication, playing online poker while watching hilarious episodes of Fresh Prince of Belair. I don’t get to bed until around 6 or 7 every morning, then sleep til late afternoon. Which isn’t a problem; I don’t have anything to do anyways! As the day progresses I feel soreness in the arm, mostly because of the extended position it is in because it is no longer in the sling. Just let this go if your in this position, trust me your in no rush. In a few days I’ll start my rehab and I’m sure it’s going to be one hell of a time. Other then that I’ve cut down on the meds, taking about 8 a day; about 2 every 4 hours. I’m still having problems putting on shirts, taking showers, and don’t have any strength in my arm. It’s weird; all I had done was reconstructive surgery. It feels like I got a new arm. You have to teach it new things, you have to strengthen it. It’s all crazy but in the end hopefully it’s all worth it. Other than that me and my boy went out and got my favorite food, SUSHI! It’s so funny, because I can’t use my right hand so watching me eat with chopsticks in my left was hilarious. My boy couldn’t stop laughing, and the waitress gave me a fork. I felt like an idiot, I’m a pro with chopsticks and now I’m eating sushi with a FORK! Come on. On the other hand, we spend close to a hundred dollars each time we go, which is about twice a week. It gets expensive lol. Lucky for me he’s a MD Sheriff so he picks up most of the bill. The night ends with me on the comp. playing cards, struggling to cope with the strain of my arm at my side.

Feb. 8, 2008:  Woke up sore as hell. I think it could be because the awkwardness that my arm is in throughout the night, or because I don’t have the meds throughout the night. One or the other, either way, my arm was killing me when I got up. After feeding on a few Vics the pain was gone and I was ready to start the day. Not much happening, I was able to extend my arm to near full extension but not really pushing it because I feel as if I do something wrong my career is done.  I’m basically letting the process happens as it does and not really forcing anything, just as nobody who reads these should. Overall the wing felt pretty healthy throughout the day, amazing how fast everything seems to come together. I was laying with my dog, a little basset hound no more than 30 pounds, and I had my bad arm around her while she was sleeping. She heard a noise and hopped up, thus putting my arm in an extremely sensitive and stressful position. A sharp pain shot through my arm and a feeling of nausea ran through my body. After working with it a little, pulling up and down with the little range I have, the pain eventually dosed off. I told my parents that if I was never to throw again blame it on the dog and her crazy antics. LOL.

I am going to update daily, and post weekly or biweekly on the effects of the surgery and the whole process that it takes me through. Along with the mental and physical struggles, I will post my feelings and emotions just to give a backdrop for others who go through this process. If I had what others will have when I am completely through, It would put me in a more comfortable situation just because I would know where I stood compared to others who got this surgery. I want to use this as a timeline, I guess. Give others knowledge on what they may feel, the struggles that may occur, and just the overall awareness that things they come across also may have happened to myself and others. I do understand that everyone recovers and develops at their own rate, but if I posted that by day 4 I was able to hold cans, stretch my arm, grab on objects, and type, others then look for by day 4 or around that time to do the same. I want these entries to give knowledge. An understanding of what this process is and what it takes. Yes the doctors tell you it will be a rough road and the rehab is hard, but for the life of a baseball player, nothing is harder than watching the game you love for more than a year without stepping on a field. On another note, since about day 3 my arm started itching extremely bad. Someone said it was because of the vics, I believe it’s from the wrap and dressing that they bundle over the arm. Just a guess